I have reprinted an article I came across on the subject of improving your relationships.

I wanted to also put in my few points on the subject, prior to the article.

From my point of view, and it works for many people, alwyas remember thet other person has goals, dreams, desires, and a method of thinking, all of which will inevitably be alittle different (or a lot) to yours.

Further, this is OK, as we are all unique.

Please excuse the cliche, but we really are different,and I feel I can summarise a lot of this with the idea that we need to be as tolerant as possible, of our partner, and others in general.

10 Tips for Improving Your Relationships

by Linda Abbott Trapp, Ph.D.

1. Evaluate From a Long Term Perspective

The other person may be tired or preoccupied right now (it’s not all about you, after all), and not up for a whole lot of straight talk. Your communication problems may improve on their own over time, or may just not be important enough in the long run for you to demand that today’s problem be fixed right now. If it’s not earth-shakingly important, and if the other wants to pass on fixing things right now, consider doing so; you can always call in the IOU later on.

2. Listen with More Attention, And More Caring

This is a person you’re in a relationship with. Whether it’s your child, your boss, or your romantic interest, what could be more worthy of your attention than trying to understand what they are saying, what they are feeling, and why they are sharing this with you at this moment? Put aside distractions, provide feedback so they know they are being heard, and try to find out how you can help. You want to, right?

3. Handle Conflict More Skillfully

For starters, work to clarify any ambiguity about expectations. Pause – a lot- to let yourself calm down prior to responding to any comments or actions that anger you. You might say, “I need to think about that a minute.” Don’t try to reason someone out of something they decided on emotion, not reason (e.g., who to trust, what to believe). Sidestep stalemates with an agreement to try again later, when you both have gathered more data about “it”. Control your urge to say hurtful things; the damage is too long-lasting to be worth the momentary feeling of power.

4. Become Less Dependent on the Relationship for Your Own Life Satisfaction

This is a tough one, for it requires that you find your own personal reason for being on this earth; your mission, if you will. The relationships you find yourself in throughout your life must, for the fullest life, be managed with that mission in mind. That means asking their support from time to time for that purpose, and lending your support to them in helping them fulfill their own mission, which is a lot different from needing the relationship to give you a reason for living.

5. Understand How the Other Person Thinks, And Why

This is probably the greatest secret to better communication in relationships; to know that each of us can only think the way our background and experiences have prepared us to think. Since we all have different backgrounds and experiences, conflicts are inevitable, and understanding difficult. Nevertheless, it’s worth learning to say “My experience has been different”, instead of “You’re wrong”. And it’s worth listening to them explain what in their background has led them to believe as they do. That’s a huge step toward better acceptance, and better understanding!

6. Master Assertive Communication

Aggressive communicators take care of themselves and let the other twist in the wind; passive communicators take care of the other and suffer for it, feeling put-upon. Assertive communication, a “graduate-level” communication skill between the two extremes, requires protecting yourself while acknowledging the needs of the other and trying to offer some help, suggestions, or referrals. It takes a lot of patience, and practice, but the results are simply incredible in better results, increased self-respect, the admiration of others, and real, lasting solutions to problems.

7. Understand and Work to Control the Nonverbal Messages You Send

How do you feel when someone says “sure”, but crosses their arms when you ask, “Can we talk?” You don’t believe them, right? So don’t project that same closed, uncaring attitude yourself. Make enough eye contact so they know you are paying attention, but not so much they feel microscopically examined, position yourself to limit distractions (not looking out the window, or at the TV, for example), and control your fidgeting, which looks impatient and weak. A calm, attentive position, with lots of feedback so they know they are being heard works wonders.

8. Learn How to Exit Non-Destructively When Anger Threatens Communication

When your emotions are getting out of control, good communication is terribly difficult. So, give yourself, and the other, a break. Take a time-out; go to the rest room, take a quick walk. Let those hormones racing through your blood reach a more agreeable level so your reasoning powers have a chance to work. Don’t just walk out, though- that signals the end of the relationship. Say something like, “Give me a couple of minutes; I’ll be right back”, or “Can we talk some more about this a little later today? – I’ve got something else that’s distracting me and this deserves our full attention.” Those comments work to preserve the relationship and buy you time to settle down.

9. Hear the Need behind the Want

Surprisingly, lots of communications breakdowns occur for reasons that aren’t even real and certainly not necessary. That argument about someone not being there for dinner with you may be really about your need for attention and comfort. That war over a promotion at work may be really about a need for security or power. Needs can be satisfied in a variety of legitimate ways, once you discover which needs are hiding behind the loudly proclaimed wants.

10. Celebrate the Positive and Express Your Gratitude

People who have lost loved ones tell us how sorry they are they didn’t tell those people what gifts they were, or how much they were loved. Don’t join that guilty crowd- tell those close to you how much you care for them, and what, specifically, you appreciate about them. That alone will change the quality of the relationship, and of your life, for the better!
About the Author:

Dr. Linda Abbott Trapp is the author of Intentional Living; Lessons from the Tree of Life, and the award-winning Letters to My Granddaughters; Insights and Inspiration for a Life Journey. She is a former Dean at the California School of Professional Psychology, and has presented more than 3,000 seminars in the U.S. and abroad.

Getting Your Ex Back

I have also included a link to the Blue Print Document for Getting Your Ex Back, if you;re in the unfortunate positiopn of having ‘missed the boat’.

I can assure you that it is never too late to try applying the above material, and more in included in the Blue Print.

Better To Say Nothing, If Not Positive

I’ve given much thought to this entry, and decided it was well worth providing here for you.

I’ve included a meditation video to help you experience better relationships. Naturally, it is general in nature, but if you allow yourself to gain from this, it can make a big difference.

To the specific topic of this entry, I wanted to bring to the fore, a poit about our comments, speech, and general interaction with our partners.

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we can say things we regret later.

Naturally, this can cause big problems, as the spoken word is never forgotten. We may forgive, but it is still buried deep in the subconscious.

Hence, I wanted to bring up the idea of remembering to always hold our comments, or opinions, if ever we feel there is nothing positive to contribute.

I fully understand this takes serious discipline, and is not easy at forst, particularly of you have strong feelings, but silence, can be golden at times.

This way, you will be better able to think- consider your way through a situation, and decide how to deal with it.

Often, as you relax later, the answer will come to you.

I explain this quite a bit in my intuition entries on other posts.

http://martincohndotcom.hostingsuccess.com/21/understanding-and-using-your-intuition/

I also came across an article that I thought would complement this issue nicely.

It is on ways to minimise anger towards your partner.

I Find That I Am Extremely Irritable Toward My Spouse and Children

by Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D.

Question: I find that I am extremely irritable toward my spouse and children. Am I depressed?

Irritability can indeed be a symptom of depression. But it can also be symptomatic of other conditions, both medical and psychological. The place to start is to get a good physical evaluation of your health as well as some self-assessment. How is your sleep? How are your nutritional habits? What kind of exercise program do you follow?

If physical causes to your irritability are ruled out, then you may want to spend some time with a counselor and assess how you are feeling about yourself and your life at this point. Are your primary relationships satisfactory? Are the issues from your past that bother you to include any history of trauma? How do you see yourself? Are you prone to putting yourself down?

Similarly, you might want to look at spiritual matters. How meaningful are your day-to-day activities to you? If you have a belief in God, are you feeling separated from God in any way?

Rather than passing judgment on yourself for being irritable, why not look on it as a red flag — a sort of message from your unconscious mind trying to call your attention to something in need of change or healing, be that something physical, emotional, or spiritual.

About the Author:

Richard B. Patterson, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.

Prevention is Better than Cure

When it comes to relationships, I think you’ll agree it is better to prevent a problem leading to a breakup, as a pose to dealing with a breakup itself.

I fully appreciate that it is easy to suggest these things, but know that they require the full use of your effort, time, and sheer dedication to make them all work.

However, I genuinely do believe that it is worth working on, to prevent problems in the first place.

No relationship is perfect- I can certainly say that I have had to, and still do learn many things as I go.

I have included a link to a web site that compares two books on relationships- one after the breakup, and the other, hopefully applicable to you, detailing ways to prevent the escalation of problems.

Head over to the Review of two relationship resolving resources.  

I will be substantially adding to this blog, on these important issues, but it is really important to ensure that we are looking after our partner’s interests, as this will dramatically improve our relationships with them too.

I have also included a video below, for ineterst, that talks abiout clinginess. It is something to just generally bear in mind.

All the best