Everyone has gotten their heart broken at one time or another in their lifetime, and it is a devastation like no other when you want to get your ex back, but they no longer want you. You have probably tried every undignified technique to try, and coerce them into realizing that you are the one for him/her. The disappointment has set in, and although you said you would not stop at anything, you have succumbed to the reality that it was not meant to be. When the reality escapes you, and your heart begins to bleed is usually when you decide that there has to be another way. This is a horrible and ill-fated pattern to establish for your life.

Right now, you want to rid yourself of the torment of not having your ex back, so you seek to resolve it through dysfunctional ways. If your ex does not want to have a relationship with you anymore, you are only postponing the pain by wasting time pawning away at the idea of getting him/her back. Instead of coping with the issues at hand, you are only delaying the grief necessary to move on. Really consider the probability of a reconciliation happening, because you have already tried everything you could, and it is has failed. It is time to move on count your losses, and start a constructive process to healing your ailing heart.

The first thing you need to understand it is okay to grieve over a broken relationship, however do not dwell in despair of it too long. You probably feel as if there is no other out there for you, but you are very wrong. There are many other capable candidates to have relationships with, but do not get involved with anyone until you are completely over getting your ex back. This can drag you right into a rebound relationship that is imminent to fail.

Try to entertain yourself, and spend your time constructively on things you enjoy doing. Socialize with friends and family and lean on them for support on bad days. Write in diaries, blogs, or journals to vent your grief, and avoid listening to sad music, watching sappy movies, and embellishing the idea of what you once had. Think about the things you have to look forward to, and how great life is when you are not confined to just a single individual. There are many advantages of not being involved in a committed relationship, concentrate on these positive aspects to cheer your spirits when you are having the break-up blues. Whatever you do, do not contact your ex, because this will only lead to self-inflicting pain, and postpone the progress that you have essentially made towards mending your heartbreak.

Everything gets better in time. Before long the thoughts and the tears will subside. The attachment to the individual will sever, and you will soon begin to wonder why it is you ever wanted to get your ex back in the first place. Use it as a great lesson learned, so that the next time you are in a relationship and it ends, you do not waste your precious time on something that just was not worthy of it.

I believe that true love and passion are real and authentic, but many times, marriage is not. I feel that too many married couples are pretending to be happy. I personally know many couples who are not truly happy in a fully committed monogamous marriage. The fact is that the old model of marriage is clearly not working as evidenced by the divorce statistics, which indicate that over half of marriages end in divorce. Some researchers say that at least 75% of marriages are ailing or unhappy. For African Americans, divorce is the end result for two out of three Black marriages. When I found out this information, it was startling to me, and over the last few years, I have been studying about marriage and divorce to understand why these challenges exist today. It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage. In fact, I do believe in the institution of marriage. My parents shared a great marriage for over 20 years by the time my dad passed away. I grew up in a household where the marriage relationship was happy and healthy.

Most marriages, on the surface, seem like a typical traditional marriage, but many of them are truly unhappy. This leads me to believe that marriage may be in a process of transitioning from our “parent’s generation” marriage to a type of more contemporary or modern marriage that will work for people today. However, many us do not know how to achieve this type of marriage, or know what this type of marriage looks like. Thus, I explore open marriage relationships in my upcoming book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating.

Many will agree that marriage can be convenient; however, with too much routine and definition, marriage can be the death of a love relationship. Too many people have squeezed the love affair out of their marriage and have allowed bills, money, and/or petty arguments to block the romantic aspects of their relationship. Unmarried women feel sorry for married women because they tend to be stuck in a rut or routine. Married women feel sorry for unmarried woman because they are alone. However, we all want both excitement and stability in our relationships whether we’re married or unmarried.

Why Do People Get Married?

People often marry because it’s the tradition. Men and women have been getting married since before recorded history. Until recently, America was the most “married” nation in the world. But now many ask, “Do I have to be married to live happily ever after?” In today’s society, people have a strong desire to simply be happy, whether that means being married or unmarried. Today fewer get married and more get divorced, and the unmarried and divorced population is growing. The cost of divorce can be both financially and emotionally devastating, and many are avoiding marriage just to ensure that they never have to go through divorce. With many marriages ailing or failing, some couples are considering various marriage alternatives in order to make informed intelligent decisions about their own lives.

Romantic love has been the primary motive for getting married, and it remains so even today. However, there are other factors that cause individuals to marry. Years ago there were more traditional reasons for getting married. Women wanted to get out of their parents’ homes, lose their virginity, or gain financial stability. In turn, men wanted a wife to care for them or help them fulfill their role as a husband and provider. Both men and women wanted to have children and raise a family. Marriage was definitely created to raise children. Back in the day, couples stayed together because they had to remain married. The wife was a homemaker and didn’t have a lot of options. Husbands were the family’s only provider so he would be perceived horribly if he left. However, today many of these motives for getting married no longer apply. Most men don’t really expect a woman to devote her entire life to him and his upkeep, and likewise, many women no longer rely on men to pay their way. Additionally, we rarely find women who want to marry just to have sex. Even pregnancy doesn’t lead a couple to marry as it had in the past. Marriage in America has truly changed due to social and cultural influences. For better or for worse, this is the current state of marriage.

Thinking about the current state of marriage, I know that people want to really make sense of their own lives, and to understand how societal and cultural forces have shaped marriage today. I, myself, wanted to better understand the new contemporary marriage models and the marrying trends of our current generation.

The rules of traditional relationships require that you be emotionally and sexually exclusive to one person forever. Therefore, many people in committed relationships are monogamous by default, not by choice. We learn through society that monogamy is what everyone is doing, and thus it is what’s expected in relationships. We are socialized to believe that true happiness can be achieved only in monogamous relationships. Even though this goes against many people’s natural inclinations, they accept and buy into it. However, many folks are realizing that it is unrealistic to expect one person to fulfill all of their needs?emotional, sexual, spiritual, psychological, intellectual, financial, romantic, etc.

Some people have spent the majority of their life dealing with the fact that they have struggled to be monogamous and keep their desires under lock and key. They have often found themselves in situations of betrayal, cheating or unfaithfulness. Well, the strongest argument for non-monogamy is that one person cannot fulfill all of our needs. In fact, for some people who have great physical, spiritual and emotional needs, it is unrealistic for one person to fulfill all of those needs and desires. This often sets us up for disappointment when a partner can’t meet all of our expectations. In fact, open relationships can often prevent us from unhealthy co-dependent relationships, e.g. relationships that we stay in for fear of being without the person at all.

Open relationships provide an alternative to being a traditional couple. Open relationships are committed, but nonexclusive relationships, that involve some degree of intimacy with multiple partners. These relationship arrangements also referred to as “responsible non-monogamy,” can be applied to both married and unmarried couples.

Open relationships provide an opportunity to get to know, love and experience different people in your life. To determine if open relationships are right for you, you will need to do lot of soul-searching and self-analysis to come to your own conclusion. You’ll need to consider what you believe about monogamy and open relationships.

When a person is engaged in a conflict with someone, chances are he has different and opposing goals from the other person. How he handles the conflict is determined by the importance of that goal to him, as well as his relationship with the other person. In one case scenario, a person may want to reach his goal at any cost, no matter how much it hurts the relationship.

His goal is important but his relationship is not and he uses force to get what he wants. An example might be when we are dealing with an aggressive sales person trying to sell us something we do not want and do not need.

In a different situation, a person may value his relationship with the other person so much that he is willing to give up his goal.

He would rather smooth things than insist on getting what he wants. For example, you might not want to spend a lot of money on going out to dinner, but your ailing grandmother wants you to take her to her favorite restaurant. It just might not be worth insisting on getting your way.

Sometimes, people just do not want to deal with conflict. Perhaps the person does not have much of an investment in the goal or the relationship. Or it just might not be a good time to work out differences and calming down or just holding off for a while might be a better choice.

The person gives up his goal and gives up dealing with the relationship. The conflict strategy is to withdraw.

On many occasions people find themselves in relationships with people who are very important and they also have a goal that is equally important.

In this case, the 2 of them must work together to resolve the conflict. This is likely to involve compromising and negotiating. The conflict must be faced and a solution found with which both parties are satisfied.

Use these conflict strategies to gain an understanding of conflicts you may experience in your life.

What does it take to have a strong relationship? It’s interesting how fast people “throw in the towel” to their relationship without taking into consideration all they can do. Here are some more tips to start you off on the right foot.

Tip #1: You need…I need….

Expressing yourself and communicating to your partner is essential for a good relationship. How many times have you expressed what you need from your partner by saying, “You need to do XXX” only to have your partner get defensive? Do you know why? When we express a need that we have in the form of a “You need to…” we do 2 things: 1) We’re sending the message that our partner isn’t doing what it is you want them to do and 2) We’re pointing the finger in a blaming manner. Both of the reasons cause blame and anger. Furthermore, our partners may not have the same needs and to make that assumption is misleading.

Next time you want to express your need to your partner, work on saying “I need XXX and would like it if you could help me with this.” This gives your partner a step back and recognize this is your need and how they can help you achieve it. Make sure you don’t slip back into the negative by saying something like, “I need you to not keeping doing XXXX…..” Keep it in the affirmative and express what you DO need to see from your partner, so as to keep defensiveness to a minimum.

Tip #2: Looking at your Priorities

Have you ever said, “My kids always come first” or “My partner comes first?” Well, what about you? Let’s think about this for a moment. If you never come first, then you’ll end up being the one to suffer. If you are neglecting your health, needs or “always” compromising yourself, then what message are you sending to your partner and kids? You need to take care of yourself first and foremost….then your marriage needs to come second. This demonstrates to your children healthy self-esteem and the foundation for a good marriage.

You are ultimately the best role models for your children. Show them how to nurture yourself and your relationship. They will be glad you did.

Tip #3: How Illness Impacts Relationships

Have you noticed a change in your partner? Has either you or your partner recently been diagnosed with an illness of some sort? If one of you are sick or have depression, it could overwhelm both of you just as well. Illness and depression can take over like a F5 tornado. If not kept in check, your relationship can be adversely affected.

So what can you do? First, maintain open communication. Allow the two of you to talk about the illness and how it’s impacting you. Also, really listen to each other. Sometimes our partners can see things about us that we aren’t willing to see ourselves. It may help to do a self-check and see if the illness is getting worse. Conversely, don’t use the illness or treatment as an excuse for why the relationship is tense. The ailing individual knows they are sick. Blaming them does not help the relationship. Second, make sure each of you are engaging in some TLC, both together and separately. Give yourself each the opportunity to go out on dates when possible, but also go out with friends on occasion. Take a break from the issues and problems. This will renew your strength to dedicate more energy to your relationship.

Tip #4: R-E-S-P-E-C-T – Find out what it means to me!

In the words of the great Aretha Franklin, RESPECT is something we all want and deserve; however, many of us don’t get the respect we want, nor do we give it. In order to be respected, you’re going to have to do 2 things:

1) You’re going to have to give respect. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with everything your partner says. It does mean that you will have to express yourself in a respectful way that shows you respect the person, even if your opinion differs.

2) You’re going to have to demonstrate that you’re worthy of being respected. This means that if your partner isn’t treating you in a respectful way, you need to establish personal boundaries to show your partner that you don’t appreciate their actions and you refuse to engage with them until they are willing to change their behaviors and interact with you in a manner that you deserve to be treated. If you stay silent during such exchanges, you are conveying to your partner that their behaviors are acceptable, even if you really feel they aren’t. However, this doesn’t mean for you to be belittling or disrespectful as you establish your boundaries.

By showing respect and demonstrating your right to be respected, you model good self-esteem and self-image to others…and yourself.

Tip #5: Summer Vacations

Summer is here and many of you may be taking some of this time to take the family on a vacation. How do you spend this time? Is it completely spent with the children? Are you and your partner at their beck and call? Are you spending much of the vacation apart to appease all the childrens’ wants and needs? If this sounds like your typical vacation, then it’s time to reconsider how you spend this time away from home. You want to spend time as a family, but this doesn’t mean that the 2 of you can’t sneak some moments away and reconnect without the children. Don’t feel guilty! Many vacation facilities have childcare and kid camps. Take advantage of these paid professionals for a few hours at a time while the two of you create your own adventures. That’s what they are there for! By doing so, you will, in turn, be able to give more to your children and rekindle some connection with your partner.

Two people vow to love each other and to take good care of each other no matter what the cost, in sickness and in health, till death to they part. But when the going gets too rough to handle, how can two people save their marriage? Better yet, can a broken marriage still be saved?

It is a wonder how a beautiful and ideal marriage can turn sour in a matter of years, some even just a matter of months. It could be that these two people got married hurriedly without getting to know each other well. For some, there is just no way for them to be together in marriage.

Most marriages experience difficulty because of lack of communication between spouses. Sometimes, spouses have become too familiar with each other that they live together without taking the time to know the other’s feelings. Sometimes, marital obligations become so heavy and time-consuming that a day goes by without the spouses talking to each other.

There are spouses who have become so familiar with each other that they have forgotten that they are still two different people who need to respect the other for their individual qualities. Sometimes, the basic niceties like thank you and please or excuse me are forgotten as couples live their lives together.

Too much familiarity with each other can sometimes ruin a marriage. Some married people disregard their spouses just because they are already married and they think that there is no need to woo the other. This is a wrong notion of marriage because the wooing should not at the altar.

When to know when the marriage needs fixing

Most often, couples have become used to ignoring each other and living with each other physically without the emotional connection that it is already difficult to see the signs of a problematic marriage. So how do couples know that they are falling apart and their marriage needs to be looked into?

When two people who used to have fun together stop laughing at and with each other, then they should stop and look at what they have. Do they still have a relationship or has it been ruined by the challenges faced by married couples as they go through life everyday?

The first sign of an ailing marriage is when the spouses no longer have fun with each other. It is understand able for spouses to go about their daily tasks especially when they have children to feed and take care of. However, when weeks pass and you are no longer aware of how the other is doing and you no longer exchange knowing glances, then you have a troubled marriage that needs to be saved.

One way of dealing with an ailing marriage is to open your communication lines. No matter what the problem is, you can still solve your marriage if you talk and listen to each other. However, the spouses have to decide for themselves first whether they want to save the marriage or to just let it go.

Saving a marriage is not easy. In fact, it is easily said than done. This is particularly true if the spouses have already caused so much damage to the marriage and they have hurt each other’s feelings beyond repair. That is why to save a marriage, it is important that both parties be willing to address the problem and to sacrifice and solve the cause of the problem.